I'm tired and I'm angry

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to help someone who doesn't want my help and gets nasty with me. I'm tired of wasting my time. I'm tired of living with someone who wishes I weren't here. I'm tired of trying to make someone understand things they simply cannot. I'm tired of having to stay in one room to avoid conflicts. I'm tired of not having the things I love in this house with me. I'm tired of being asked to do things while I am working that could wait until later. I'm tired of being treated like shit when I leave the house to do things that I have to get done. I'm tired of waiting on everything to get better. I'm tired of spending my days off doing things for other people. I'm tired of being tied down. I'm tired of so many more things.

I'm angry. My anger has really grabbed hold of me and I can't find a way to let it go. I don't think I will let go until my parents are gone to a care home. It will probably take me a while to get over it then, a very long while.

I'm angry at my mother first and foremost. Our relationship has always been rather strained, gonig back to my teenage years or younger. I've been angry at her for over 40 years at being criticized, being not good enough, not living up to her idea of who I should be. I went to college simply to get out of my house, although I didn't know what I wanted there and didn't stay but a month into my second semester. I lived with a succession of boyfriends for the next 10 years, really only 3 long-term relationships, but I never could stand having to live in the same house with her again. I did have to for short periods of time, but only as long as it took me to get out from under her negativity again. I did need the two of them when I separated from my husband and needed help as a single parent, but got out as quick as I could again. I took financial support from them at times. I felt guilty every time.

I'm angry at my dad now, as well. I've had short periods of being pissed at him in the past, but have always loved him unconditionally. I find that that is changing. I'm receiving more and more of his anger towards me and it hurts. I don't want these feelings to get any worse.

And last of all, I'm angry at being forced into living this way. I'm angry at losing each day more of my life. I want to stop doing this and go on with what I have left of my time. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to apologize for feeling that way, either, so I won't. As I said, I'm angry.

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Done with giving it my all. From now on, I'm going to take of me first.