Here We Go Again

Yes, I've been gone for a while. No, not away from home (only a dream). I didn't take a vacation. Just spent a bit of time wallowing in self-pity. I reached a point lower than usual, and thought I was going to need a permanent change of venue. But, no other venue in town for me. I was happy to find out my sister was coming for a week's visit. So glad to have her here, she was always my rock and my mainstay, my touchstone. But, due to health issues of her own, she had not been here in more than 6 months.

So, she got to spend some time experiencing the joys of living in my world. She got to experience first-hand the wrath of both mom and dad. This was quite a jolt for her, as they have never behaved toward her the way they have with me over the past few years. She saw the hateful looks, got the nasty comments which grow into arguments, and saw the total inability to try to care for someone who doesn't understand what they need or their own incapacities, thereby rendering your efforts useless. My mother could out-argue an entire debate team. My father simply cannot understand the meaning of his Alzheimers. They combine into a lethal team of disbelief that they need help remembering what to do and why.

Back to my sister. Let's just say that by the end of the week, she decompensated in total pain and horror at what was said to her, and the realization that things have reached this point. She had no way to know where things stood, and therefore had questioned whether I was doing enough for them. I've been known to live my own life in the past and, in my family's eyes, be perhaps a bit selfish. Yes, it's true, but I chose to view this as not giving in to their idea of how to live my life. She had wondered if I just didn't want to do this job anymore, or if I was working hard enough to give them the right care. Although she never would have said this me, I suspected there might be some component of this. I couldn't blame her, because she couldn't truly know the situation after such a long absence. By the end of the week, she was apologizing profusely, and feeling twice a bad for having thought that way of me. Which, in turn, gave her more guilt about not being able to help with mom and dad. Her health problems mean that she can never care for them or take them into her home. That is devastating to her, as she had always thought that when the time came, this would be the natural progression. She has always been thisclose to our parents, and enjoyed them immensely.

Now things are different.

At least out of this comes more urgent thoughts about finding a safe place for them. My brother has wanted to bring them to Florida, where he lives, for quite some time, but they do not want to leave their house and go. We all know that they absolutely must, but no one has ever forced a decision on my parents (how can anyone?). He is now hearing the same thing from my sister and brother-in-law that he has been hearing from me, and is more aggressively pursuing this. How it will come about is not finalized, but it won't be pretty and we all know it. At least we are now all 3 working towards the same goal, and quickly. Wish me luck.

I doubt that many people will ever find this blog, so please understand that this is more of a journaling effort for me. I don't have many outlets at this point, and my mind is cluttered at times. I hope some day I will find the time to find myself again.