Today I Begin

I take a leap forward in self realization. Today I begin to understand how much of myself I have lost, perhaps forever, in this journey I have undertaken. It seems two-fold actually, a leap forward and in an even larger sense, a leap backward in time. Backward in that I now seem resigned to accept the fact that I must, and probably already have, let go of many of my dreams and hopes, of seeing possibilities that might be, and actually facing that my first half century is gone forever. I can no longer think about the things that I want to do someday, because time is my enemy. My body ages and my mind is tired. Depression and sadness are my constant companions. My opportunities have slipped away while I was struggling with the actualities of the road I was on, making my choices with what seemed like little option for choosing another path. Wasted time while unsure of what I wanted to do. Being unsure when the right partner would come along, I chose randomly and ultimately paid the price of a failed marriage, single motherhood, facing economic ruin, and finite emotional resources to give my only crowning achievement, a beautiful son, what I hoped and always imagined for him. Facing the fact that he would now be an only child, now having a family of 2 instead of a house full of children, a loving partner, and valuable friendships. It seems so many of my decisions were less than optimal, and I now suffer with this realization and knowing how it is ultimately affecting my child and who he will become. I am sad for this in a way that goes deeper than any pain I ever imagined. So, hence, I call this a leap forward in self realization. I have now begun to accept these realities, resigned to this life that I call my own.

In dealing with this, I also come to realize that the task I have been given is monumental. I am overwhelmed by the inadequacies of my ability to care for 2 elderly parents. I simply don't have the resources within my soul to tackle the increasing needs for my time, my patience, my understanding, my love, and the fact that this is totally out of my control. I cannot make this get better. I have no choices, no options, no alternatives. My life is lost to myself. There are no joys singular to me, to be my own, to give me life and hope. The Alzheimer's robs a caregiver of that. The multiinfarct dementia ensures that nothing I do is quite right, good enough, or quick enough. The task of dealing with each of these conditions at the same time, between 2 parents, seems unsurmountable. My work suffers, my paycheck suffers, and now faced with the fact that I cannot afford to live anywhere but with my parents seems unconscionable at the age of 54. Their diseases rob them of the understanding that they need to live in a care facility, with many people and resources to give them a happy life. Robs them of the understanding that they can afford it. So, with 2 older siblings who live elsewhere and have led happy, successful lives, raising several children and now having grandchildren, who cannot easily or willingly come to help, I take on the task I always knew would be mine, the one to be the caregiver, in a home I have always hated to return to. Guilt and resentment runs deep in this house, within its walls, and I have no choice but to swallow it whole. The emotional support I receive from my siblings is invaluable, but lately it is not enough to keep me from falling into this dungeon of realizing my own limitations, my lack of options, and my lack of hope for any life of my own. So, in effect, I wallow in my self pity alone, with no outside contacts for support because I have no time to go outside the home to have any friends. Nothing to give to friends, so it doesn't seem prudent to try to become a friend to someone new. I hear that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but God is not a part of this life of mine. I find it a bit presumptive to believe in something that has never had a place in my mind or heart. I wish I had the unwavering belief, that comfort that religion gives to so many, but it simply is not a part of my understanding.

I turn now to something that I don't exactly understand, this blogging thing, but I do believe in journaling, and as I don't write by hand anymore, I find it will be much easier to try this. Let this be a new beginning at easing my soul and perhaps find a small amount of comfort. Everyone needs to let their thoughts out, but some of us do not have any other outlet except anonymity of cyberspace. This is not meant to be a cry for help to anyone out there, but just an outlet for myself. It truly is no one else's concern with what has happened in my life. I welcome you to read if you must be a voyeur, and of course, if you feel like offering a comment, I would be overjoyed to hear from even a stranger, as it seems that is all I know in my life anyway.

There, I feel better already.